Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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