Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
