I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
