Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
