I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
