I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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