He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
