I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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