Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
