Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
