Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
