Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
