mondays should just be called national damage control day
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I need water and some morals
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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