Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
