this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
