think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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