Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I AM VODKA MAN
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize