How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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