cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
