Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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