Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
