I feel great
I just peed on a car
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
