Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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