first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize