happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
