i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
