Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
