just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I love having hate sex.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
