Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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