I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
