DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
