It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
