I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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