My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
