what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
