he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
