sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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