Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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