I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
