i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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