I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
