mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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