dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
