Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
