I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
