I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
