i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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