1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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