I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
