thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
