Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
