my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
