apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
