I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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