he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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