God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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