there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
