I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
