last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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